the heart never lies.

im gonna write until it stops hurting, until the ache inside is less and until the pain subsides. i don't want to cut, i don't want to bleed. i don't really want to.. i could add the stars to my thing, i could.. i didn't for the last 2 days.. i want to add three, not erase the two, but the pain is so deep, and it hurts so bad, and i can't do it, and i keep trying. an i can't and i want to, but god how it hurts and it aches, and i can't get rid of it, and just keep hurting.. and i can't stop it. and god how i want to die, and i feel like i am falling in to this hole, and i will never find my way to the surface again, and tomorrow is to far way.. and i didn't want to wake up to the reality.. my head tries to sing this song, and write at the same time and it happening and i can't do or will run away? i need you please.. i m so scared. so very scared, and i'm shaking and this is unreal, and my heart cries, and the tears flood my view, and i have no idea why this is happening, and it won't go away, and its scaring me so bad, and i can't stop it and i feel like exploding and the pain is so strong,a nd the feelings are so deep. and i can't rid of it, i can't and i should be able to and its so strong.
what happened this time last year? because this pain isn't something to just come.,., they are feeling relating to something.. and i can't put my fingers on it.. i can't. and its so scary, because it hurts so very badly. it does and i can't get rid of it.. and i don't know what its from, if i knew what i was avoiding, i could go through it, but i don't know, and i can't know. and i just don't know and what the hell happened?
i cry and i cry an d the tears don't fall and i don't want to touch the blades, i have rage insdie of me,and i'm afraid i'd cut to deep, and i'm too scared, and it hurts and i dpon't know what to do.. and i want need to make it stop, and i can't and omg how this hurts, and i can't get rid of ti, and it hurts.
please please save me? please. i need you, i need to go to bed, i need to sleep. an di can't because it hurts too much, li,me this physical aches, and this emotional turmoil. and how my god how it hurts.
kill me now..i forget the ending to this story. i forget what happens in the end, i forget how to get through the night.. i forget what its like.. please help me.. please.. i need your help. i'm begging to this invisible person, who will never come rescuse me, and i keep thinking that if i put these thoughts out, someone will hear them, someone will just know that i need them, and its not working. and i need it to.. whats wrong with everyone? don't they ever just know.. i want to call him.. i want to move with him, i want to live with him, because he would hold me right now, he would allow me to cry, and i want him, i want him to hold me.. this is pathetic, because it hurts so bad, and i want him, what the hell is with that, because i miss his arms, and i miss so desperately the way he made me feel safe , and how he was a person i ran to and cried to when the pain hurt so bad.
my dreams of people have been weird. and i hurt. i hurt. can't you hear me i hurt.. i hurt enough already to be remember this dream.. i need him so badly.. oh god i wish i knew where he was, i wish i could call him, and i'd hold him so badly he wouldn't have disappeared.. i wish so badly so many people hadn't left me this year.
i miss the way things were.. and i hate it, i hate you. i fucking hate the lot of you. all of you for leaving me, and for hurting me, and for just leaving, and for all the changes in the last year, for it all, for all that i've been through in the last year, and all the people who have left, and all the faces i no long see, and myself for leaving and running away from those certain people, and hurting you, and i i hate me for being so damn manipulative for so long with your hearts, and i hate you. i fucking hate you.. and i'm talking bullshit. maybe i just shouldn't fight the urges, because i really think i'll feel better afterwaaaaaaaaards.. and maybe i wouldn't.
(and i didn't)

i wonder if i typed, if i could undo some of the sadness inside of me. just an overwhelming sense of sadness came over my body, as if to say, you are hurting, take a second, and feel the pain, and i don't really want to, i'd rather it just go away. i hate the moments like this, when the pain seems to be so much, too much to handle, and deal with. it hurts and it aches so deep inside of me, and there is nothing on earth i can do about it, nothing. and my insides scream, and i want to cry,and i need to be held, and there is no one around, and i want so badly to chat with someone, anyone, but i will not bother them, especially those who i have not talked to in such a long time, i will not reach out to them, i feel safe, and why bother them when i feel safe? and then there is no one else on, no one who i would chat with, and feel safe with, no one to even have a chit chatty conversation. the list is dead, and quiet. and its after 10 so i can't/won't call anyone. and i am forever doing this to myself, always.. hurt and fall apart when i need peopole the most, and they are no where to be found. i hate myself sometimes for it.. its tuesday night.. thats what it is, and i should just be in bed, and don't want to really.. the music blares in my head, and i can't drown out the sound, and my soul aches, and bleeds, and i want nothing more then a hug, and that is forever going to be too much to ask for, and so i beg for someone to chat with, and that is too much.. and i want someone to reach through and know that i am hurting, and i need it so badly, so very badly. and my friends and people that i trust is basically at zero. period. everyone i used to feel safe with has either left me, or i rarely speak to them, and when we do, i'd rather not bother them with my words. and my friends have all but disappeared, and i go through my days with this unmistakable sadness, and i lie to all those around me when they ask how i am, and i want you, to hold me, to love me, to allow me to cry, to stay with me through the night, and tell me this is just one of those nights, and i'll feel better in the moring, just hold me and tell me this, because i am having a hard time believing it tonight, and thats always not good, because i don't know how to hold on, i don't remember the way, to find tomorrow morning, with out hurting myself, with crying so many tears, or none at all, but without wishing i was dead, and thinking of seriously acting on those wishes, and i forget what its like to smile, and to laugh and to feel ok, and i worry that i will never reemember and i hurt so bad inisde. and it doesn't want to go away, and i feel so lost and so hurt ans so scared and alone, and i can't make myself reach out anymore.. i keep telling myself its the only way to make things better, but it doesn't happen, and i don't do anything, and i'm so afraid tonight.. so scared.

i feel like this big baby, with no way out of the pain. no way to end the feeling and i feel helpless inside, and scared, oh so scared, and there is nothing i can do, nothing. and people keep running around me..and i hear the knock on ice, the door open on aim, and i wish so badly it would be someone who cares enough to message, or who i knew cared enough to be talked to, but everytime its been a dissapointment, people i would never bother when i needed an ear. and really its after 10, i should be going to bed, but i don't want to wake up in the morning, and i feel so scared, so scared, and i hate this.. i hate it, and i want you to be here, please, and i fight inside myself, yelling and screaming, not sure to msg you or not.. i want to.. but why should i ? because i know you'd understand? or because i know you understand? how can the two be something different? i want you to love me again.. i want to be ok.. i need to be ok. and i want to cry, i need to cry and i cannot.. and i cant scream, can't feel better. i hurt, so badly inside i hurt, and i hate this, because i keep thinking of the ways in my house to hurt myself, and the razor comes to mind and you know what i ain't fighting the urges tonight.. i'm not.

(and still i did)

i put together the pieces of tonights major crash.. i did.. it was at about last Feb. 11, that i left someone that i adored, and loved.. but had to leave.. i felt so upset the whole night, that night.. until it was over, until i knew.. and it took forever to know i could live.. but i did.. and i will.. and i remember it now. how that night was such hell, and the pain was so deep, and it felt better when i let it go, and i learned to live, and yes, it was 3 months ago tonight.. it took me awhile to put the pieces together, that overwhelming pain, it just came all of a sudden, and all the people that had left me.. he wasn't one of them.. but it was all in one, because it seemed to start with him, and get worse.
i had to check the dates, and i remmeber the entry i made into my writing book.. i will type it out later.. not tonight.. the pain is starting to subside, as i listen to all the sad songs i can find, and downloading more, and crying, and wishing he was here tonight.. and remembering, and thnking of him, and wishing and wanting,and knowing and all these things all at once, and he would be proud, only because i did so without losig my stars, and i wonder if he's ok today, or if maybe the pain hurt him as well.

i still love him very much, he is very special, and he will never be forgotten.
i believe it gets better..so hard to believe its been a year, i wonder if deep down he hates me. i broke more promises to him then i could imagine.. i miiss you my love..

i miss so many people tonight.. <3